thread Weirdest wedding experience today.
A Spaniard marrying a Nigerian in Borehamwood. This was the Nigerian leg of the affair - they’re doing the whole catholic shebang in a cathedral in Portugal next week.

We’d been there for 2 hours before the groom officially appeared (thank goodness we managed to catch him before things started properly and he had to leave the room for ages. Bride appeared at about 2.5 hours. 2.5 hours of everyone being bossed about by an awful woman with a microphone, making up a mad ceremony as she went along. People being forced to dance into the room, while guests not-directly involved sat at tables reception-style but without booze until about the 2 hour mark.

We couldn’t socialise with the Spaniards as they were family and close friends and had to dance and sit in rows in front of the stage and be bossed about by the unhinged lunatic. None of the Nigerian/British Nigerian contingent spoke to us, apart from the rather dapper chap in a dog collar and straw trilby who sat next to me and who turned out to be the Bishop of Woolwich.

The bride danced in eventually with about 20 bridesmaids while the groom sat on the campest sofa of all time on the stage (having proved his worth in an interminable section of the proceedings which involved him having to do press-ups and his friends all lying on the floor for some incomprehensible reason). People rubbed US dollar banknotes on her face as she processed through the room.

Not long after that, we bailed out. Around 3 hours in. Couldn’t take any more. I’ve never felt more out of place and less welcome. The Spaniard met the groom’s step-mother in the toilet on the way out and she was jealous of us being able to leave. We wouldn’t have had a chance to speak to the couple anyway, I’m sure.

We’re now back in East London an hour and a half later. They may or may not be married by now.

I felt I’d slightly let the Bishop down by running away, but we HAD to get out of there.

TLDR: if you get invited to a Nigerian wedding, don’t go.
permalink I went paddleboarding at Lowestoft
where the air temperature was only in the low-mid 20s. Also there was sea to get in.

I'm now back in Cambridge where it is warmer. Was an especial shock getting out the car, having had the aircon on.

Also via a comment on a post on the "Am I the Asshole" subreddit I have only just discovered that newmatt years ago curated a website detailing country by country whether you can flush loo paper or have to bin it. Why did I not know about this before?
permalink I did/do, it's almost 10 years old now
which reminds me that a bloke emailed about turning it into an app and I completely forgot to follow up with him.
permalink with EU subsidies greece and gozo must be
go for flush by now?
permalink I haven't looked at it in a year
I still get the odd email correcting me. One day I'll get me arse in gear and update it.
permalink maybe in bigger cities?
it was bins throughout the Ionian. Possibly Corfu town was flush
permalink coincidentally
someone just emailed me to ask what you do on Ireland.
permalink "throw it at protestants"
Was the reply?
permalink drink enough Guinness and it won't matter
permalink the fuck?
permalink I mean, I know the government/church
might have tried their damnedest to turn it into a thrid world country between the 30s-70s...but we did have plumbing
permalink And yes,Emma... there were some amazing dresses
But it is not worth the pain.
permalink Eh, what, you talkin' to me?

It was worth the 4 hours in the pub hearing about it, though :)
permalink We had a nice lunch, entertained some kids and my old mate
permalink Sounds not unlike an Essex wedding we went to a few years ago.
One side was utterly TOWIE, they ignored, nay ostracized anyone who wasn't family or an in-law, while the Greek Cypriot side of the family kept themselves very much to themselves, having nothing to do with anyone at all, even the in-laws. We left after 90 minutes, after a bottle of white wine and a pint of crap ale set us back £31 at the pay bar, and the groom's brother literally told me to fuck off when I tried to have a chat with the bride, my friend from work. Fortunately, she left soon after.
permalink Left the marriage,
I hope
permalink Left the company,
though she's still friends with several colleagues on Facebook. But the general consensus is that once their youngest leaves the house she'll be leaving her husband. He's an utter cock, treats her like crap, shames her in public, he's just awful. At a works bash she brought him to he told a circle of people how she wouldn't shag him for a few months after she had her boob job on account of it being so painful bouncing up and down. Cringe making stuff.
permalink It wasn’t cunty like that...
... just deeply weird, incredibly tedious, and not particularly welcoming.
permalink Seemed like a busy weekend
And also an expensive one. Bought a new running watch, a new telly and a new sofa/armchair. And went for an exceedingly windy run on Saturday, and then to the delayed (due to said wind) Matariki* fireworks last night, which were good

*Māori new year, based on when the Pleiades first rise, usually sometime between the solstice and July 1st.
permalink Happy July!
16 days until we go on holiday.
*stares at the clock*
permalink where you going?
i'd love to get in a couple of european cuntries before boris screws it all
permalink France,
Brittany first, then Angers, then Sancerre, then elsewhere TBC.
permalink Angers is an *excellent* city.
I was there about 15 years ago, eating truffle omelettes for breakfast, washed down with the local cognac style hooch. Lots of decent historical stuff too.
permalink That's good to know, we picked it at random based purely on location.
And the fact it looks reasonably pretty.
permalink Wigan is twinned with Angers.
I don't really know why, as much as I love Wigan it's not a patch on Angers.
permalink I don't think twinning works on a like-for-like basis
permalink Some sort of points-based system?
permalink Who knows, just the agreement of councils I guess.
Although it seems to be partly be to promote tourism, and I bet there aren't many tourists in Wigan.
permalink Isn't it mostly related to tourism...
where the tourists in question are councillors?
permalink Angers is also twinned with Osnabrück.
It's clearly just the best cities.
permalink I didn't know they were cheating on us
permalink That's usually how it works innit?
Osnabrück e,g is twinned with Derby and Tweer in Russia and Harlem in NL ans some town in Turkey and South Korea as well.
permalink I want to see this sofa
permalink I'll see what I can do.
I think the Sexy Spaniard has a photo. It's not just the sofa... there was a fucking stage SET.
permalink OK... get a load of this
permalink that is pretty special
we've got the spare room set up like that.
permalink I do hope you relaminate the floor
with your guest's names each time
permalink and make them dance up the stairs, taking about half an hour to get there.
permalink and the Bishop of Woolwich
is sitting on the windowsill
permalink And Alistair rubs dollar bills in your face.
While Amy harangues you on a PA system.
permalink Keep going...
permalink Are you close?
permalink Well, I was
But the moment has passed
permalink JFC, that's
tacky as fuck.
permalink On a scale of one to fuck me that's awful
Frankly, I broke the needle on my fuck-me-that's-awful-ometer
permalink You need a special high-range fuck-me-that's-awful-ometer
With overload protection.

And goggles.
permalink Or the set

I'm guessing.
permalink I have quite a few nigerian colleagues
from what I understand, a LOT of money changes hands at these events, and if you were feeling unwelcome, that's probably because you had been judged to have not made enough of a contribution

I think the press-ups thing is also a modern replacement for some far less pleasant manhood-proving rituals, depending on which bit of Nigeria they're from
permalink I was feeling unwelcome well before there was even an opportunity to buy US dollars...
...from the spiv going round all the tables brandishing a huge wad of cash.

permalink a colleague who recently got his doctorate
told me he intentionally delayed submitting his thesis until after his wedding, because if he had the title 'Dr' the amount he would have been expected to give to his fiancees family would have doubled, and it was already bankrupting them
permalink jebus that sounds revolting
& i'm sure the portuguese will wonder why a spaniard is getting married in one of their cathedrals..
i imagine they'll take the sofa with them but this time it'll be stuffed with
dollars.. how wonderful!
permalink Are you bound for the Portuguese leg of the game as well?
permalink No, thankfully.
We're not close enough to the guy to spend that kind of effort and money.

We couldn't really say no to hopping on the train up to Borehamwood. Although I rather wish we had.