thread See
I told you size mattered!

Also: Phil The Greek is being a comedy racist again:
permalink so what you're saying
is that you're hung like a mole?
permalink I think snails
have the largest penis in relation to the size of their bodies?

plus mine leaves a trail of slime
permalink I think it is barnacles.
Slug sex is beautiful.
permalink [something about holes]

TJ: Does anyone know a good system for group task management, so one person can raise a task for another while a third can track them. online preferably.
permalink Basecamp
I assume it costs money though.
permalink TJ2: One of my company KPOs this year is to look at
Improved use of IT and our possible new iPads to streamline our workflow stuff.. .mostly property reports that we produce.

Do we know any good app developers? or anyone worked on any web-based report production systems?

permalink I'm trained in qlikview.
It's very expensive and has a stupid name and is basically fancy web graphics showing stuff. Which is kind of what I understand report stuff to be. I don't really know though, because I produce fancy looking reports and then I get asked for fucking excel fucking spreadsheets. Or worse, my boss will find some data for himself and the first I'll know about it is when I'm asking Communications why they've put the wrong data on a press release. And then Comms will email my boss's boss and she'll say "I don't know why that happened, we'll sort it out on Monday" and then nothing will ever be said about it again.
permalink Both
being in charge of reporting & analytics for a property investment company...

We're currently using QlikView, it sucks at presenting data over the web and we may investigate alternatives (Tableau & Jreport)

Have a look at this for some background to this area of IT systems -
permalink I'm currently playing with amcharts
It's pretty low-level and basic flash charts, but it suits me I know my data well and can get it out in the form I want.

I can see how qlikview's importing and storing of data is handy but as all the data I need is already in a database I don't see it as of much use to me.
permalink QV's supposed to be a tool
for (us) analysts to provide data to less bright parts of the business (sales, customer services etc) in a shiny format that they can understand without having to wrap their brains round actual numbers.
permalink these look pretty good
our stuff tends not to be data-driven unfortunately

more 'look the bathrooms are shit' and 'your gonna have to sort this shit out' kind of reports.

it's currently an excell spreadsheet and the only reason for this is it helps control multiple tabs (some versions of the report will have some tabs and others will have other tabs) and so that the name and some basic info auto-populates.

but it's slow and pretty clunky.
permalink I am not sure that is racist,
rather observational. The use of 'running' rather defuses it all.
thread Morning all!
I've spent the last three days on a course about adoption.

How have you all been?
permalink I am suddenly
full of cold. might go to Homebase later. I have worked out that I have averaged 13.0mph on my bike over 4300+ miles. I'm not sure if that's good. it feels like it was a lot of hard work.
permalink I had a cold recently. It started on Friday and
it was pretty much over yesterday. I felt like utter shit on Monday though, thought it might actually be flu.
permalink I had a long-running one fairly recently
but this feels like a proper full blown snotfest, so hopefully it'll be clear by the weekend.
permalink I've still got a cold
but I was able to breathe well enough to get to work. Reckon the air quality is better out here in Duxford, which helps- it has been shocking in central Cambridge, especially yesterday.
permalink The adoption of children, I assume.
Hereabouts, the use of the word adoption generally relates to a government authority taking ownership of roads or other public land.

permalink I hope he's planning on adopting
Tigers. Or Tiggers.
permalink You assume correctly.
I don't want any roads in the family though a bit of land might be nice.
permalink The land in question would normally require you to continuously
maintain it, and would be publicly accessible.
If it were adopted, you'd only technically have rights over the top 450mm, the land below that would still belong to the original owner, in theory.
permalink what rights to the air?
there used to be (possibly still is in some parts) a tax to the air above 'your' land
permalink I don't entirely know, to be honest.
I only know that the highways authorities only own the top 450mm unless specifically stated otherwise. I think this means that any underground services need rights and easements negotiated separately.
I don't know what they think you might be able to do with the land 450mm underneath the road, but it seems as if you could do it. I guess it relates most importantly to cities where basements extend beneath the road.
permalink I thought the foundations for a lot of roads
extend more than 450mm? Probably explains why so many roads are in such a shocking state if they're such a thin strip.
permalink Actually, that's because the top layers aren't replaced frequently enough.
Roads are layered, the top layer is designed to need replacing more often so that the lower layers need replacing less often.

When the top layer isn't replaced the lower layers suffer and need replacing sooner than would otherwise be necessary.

/father-in-law used to be head of roads in Wales.
permalink there's that
and there's the lower layers not being built strongly enough to cope with modern traffic in the first place- plus in towns especially old and rotting sewers/water mains/gas mains that are collapsing.
permalink And, instead of scraping the top layer off properly
they often just spray it with tar and add new grit to the top, which just creates more space for water to seep in and then freeze.
permalink Indeed. The roads around wigan became potholey
in the three weeks we were away.
permalink you should see the state of the roads around where I live
less than six months since they were "re-done" and they're fucked. because they did them cheaply. they've got a year and a bit to sort them out before the Tour comes past.
permalink when they "repair" a hole
it's often done by cucking some warm asphalt at the hole and hoping it sorts itself out. More or less. Which lasts maybe a day.
permalink can you get the GA to take ownership of the trains
and possibly the gas corps.. that would be nice
permalink the words "GA" and "trains"
in close proximity will cause new_matt to blow a gasket- the (dutch state railways owned) company that runs (but doesn't own) the trains that mrs_new_matt uses for commuting are run by "Greater Anglia"
permalink those fuckers
[edit] I tell you what, this board is running smooth, fast and true now. Well done all concerned.
permalink Seconded.
It's a bloody marvellous contrivance - I'm so much more productive at work now an F5 is basically instant.
permalink I too
have to suffer the farce of GA every morning . . . if their rolling stock gets any shoddier I may have to start carrying a roll of gaffa tape
permalink in fact
NS (Dutch state owned) through their subsidiary Abellio operate Greater Anglia and Northern with a 50% stake in Merseyrail.
DB (German state owned) own Arriva who operate Arriva Trains Wales and Cross Country and have a 50% stake in LOROL who run London Overground. They also operate Chiltern directly and own the largest freight operator DBS.
SNCF (French state) own a company called Keolis, who have a 35% stake in Govia, the group that runs Southeastern, Southern and London Midland. They also have a 45% stake in First TransPennine Express.
East Coast is currently run by a company fully owned by HM Government.

tl;dr: much of the rail network in this country is run by goverments, just mainly foreign ones. The trains themselves are owned by banks and venture capitalists and leased at extoriotnate rates in a goverment-sanctioned racket.
permalink The train leasing thing is as iniquitous as PPP in hospitals.
The state of it makes me hang my head in confusion, shame and wonder at the people who thought it was a good decision for the taxpayer.
permalink i read somewhere that the stripping crew* are planning to PPP
the fire departments.. i sincerely hope this was just scaremongering

and thanks Al.. i knew it was fucked up.. just not quite THAT fucked up

permalink Other ownership:
First Group- founded by management buyout when Scottish bus services were privatised of Grampian Reginal Transport. PLC, based in Aberdeen. Other than fTPE, as noted about (they own 55%) they run First Capital Connect, First Great Western and ScotRail (which now uses branding imposed by Transport Scotland).

Stagecoach- privately owned bus firm founded by religious (catholic) zealots from Perth. Outirght run South West Trains and East Midland Trains, have a 49% stake in Virgin Trains (West Coast mainline). Also Sheffield Supertram.

GoAhead- the other 65% of Govia, a bus company (PLC) from Newcastle. Started similar to First- management buyout of Gateshead's local operation.

Arriva- bus company now owned by DB (as noted above), based in Sunderland. Started as a second hand motorbike trader.

National Express- despite fucking up East Coast and East Anglia, still running c2c (Fenchurch Street to Southend line) really, really well. Quite spectacularly well. The coach company that we all know and dislike. Management buyout at privitisation of the existing National Bus Company national Express brand and routes. based in Birmingham. Also run the Midland Metro tram system in Birmingham.

MTR- the privatised operator of Hong Kong's Metro, own half of LOROL (London Overground)

Serco- one of those evil multi-faceted "services" companies. Joint venture with Abellio to run Northern and Merseyrail. Runs the DLR.

Know thy enemy...
permalink the worst with the train leasing
is the pre-privitisation stock, which was sold to the ROSCOs on their foundation for a nominal sum.

The government pretty much decideds what stock is to be used on which services. As that stock can only be leased from one place, there's no competition. Train operators (TOCs) can, in theory, buy their own trains, but it would be ruinous to do so.

The new Thameslink and "Intercity Express Programme" (IEP) stock, as well as probably Crossrail stock, is being procured on a basis similar to PFI, in that the supplier will also be the ROSCO and maintainence firm, locking those routes into the contracts for ~30 years.
permalink Is it a requirement,
or does it just make you look good?
permalink Is this a philosophical question about children and the institution of marraige?
I think the Jams are actually considering adoption themselves, and that it was not at all work related, but I may be wrong.
permalink i think we know that
and that's why amerella asked.. does it merely advance their cause or is it essential
you don't want any weird fucker adopting children right?
permalink Sorry.
I'm being a spanner this morning when it comes to reading things and divining their meaning.

edit: are you allowed to say "spanner"? If not, I apologise.
permalink I think spanner is still ok
spaz, spazmo, spacker and spastic are out though. political correctness gone mad. which of course you can't say either these days for fear of offending the mentally incompetent. political correctness gone slightly awry.
permalink Astonishingly
Rigby has correctly divined my meaning.
permalink Yet while we* debate the meaning of the question,
we remain without an answer.

* OK, just me, everyone else was entirely clear.
permalink Sorry, I've been in a meeting.
permalink how rude
*has a calming cup of tea*
permalink I believe it was a requirement.
We went to an information evening after expressing an interest.
We then said we wanted to proceed, and had an initial visit from two social workers.
They gave us the ok to proceed and we were invited on this three day course.
At the end of the course we formally applied to adopt.

Next, we are assigned a social worker and they assess us. This is between 7 and 12 two-hour meetings, and they also visit family and our referees.

After that they write up the report and recommend an action (that we should be allowed to adopt, hopefully). It then goes to panel who also recommend an action, then a head honcho signs off their decision.

If successful at that point we'll be matched to some kids, it goes back to panel for a formal decision then the introductions start.
permalink That's reassuringly thorough, and I'm sure it's essentially
a big long formality in your case.
Just don't mention lesbianism, bdsm or any form of queer, kink or poly at any point whatsoever.
permalink and hide THE shed
permalink and THE calendar
about THE shed.
permalink Actually we're moving the WRS
to the front of the house rather than in the back garden
permalink Are you joking?
If not, I'm fairly sure that structures such as sheds in the front garden require planning permission, and are not permitted development like they are to the rear.
I'm sure it would never be an issue, but if you get into a fight with a neighbour down the line, and he raised it with the council, it could cost you.
For info, see the BBC programme "The Planners" last week which had an old josser complaining about a small fence.
permalink For fuck's sake.
What about the fence? We're planning on a bit of fence across the front (because mrsjam won't let me enclose our land in a 7' tall fence).
permalink Check your deeds
a lot of developments have covenants against fences/aerials etc
permalink Sorry.
it took me 4+ minutes to write that, so I didn't realise I'd duplicated your advice.
permalink You provided more detail
permalink You would normally be OK with a small fence.
However, check your deeds, it's very likely there is a restrictive covenant in favour of the original builder/developer which prevents you from doing anything material without their permission. They will charge you a "reasonable fee" to give you permission, but without it, issues will arise when a future buyer of the house does legal searches.

Additionally, the permission for your estate may have suspended permitted development because of the small size of the gardens (called an article 4 direction). In which case, you'd technically need permission for a shed anywhere on the plot.

Best thing to do is call the council and ask to speak to the Duty Planning Officer (not a specific person, just someone who is available to casual enquiries at that time) and explain what you want to do. They'll give you proper advice that's related to the information they hold in their database for your street/property. If they say it's all OK, write tot hem and ask them to confirm it in writing, so you can brandish it if there are any queries about ti when you sell the place.

I am deliberately avoiding the discussion wrt the aesthetic merit of a shed or 7ft fence in your front garden.
permalink Ok, ta.
Out of interest, what do you mean by "could cost you"?

Wouldn't it be "move the shed?" and I then move then shed?
permalink You would have three options:
1. Move the shed.
2. Apply for retrospective planning permission for the shed (£135 plus the cost of any drawings - probably nil).
3. Ignore the problem, which could give rise to more catastrophic costs, including the council removing the shed and then charging you for the privillege

If you wanted my opinion (without prejudiuce ;-)) you probably wouldn't get planning permission for it either beforehand or retrospectively, so your only option is to do it without permission and hope no-one calls the planning authority. However the bigger risk is that if they're called they then look into any other potential infringements, such as the shed at the rear if there's an article 4 direction.

iPlayer last week's programme, it's worthwhile as there were two relevant cases on there.

EDIT: For clarity, professionally I am advising you to not move the shed without permission. Personally, I am also advising you that moving the shed round the front is a silly idea and will look dreadful, and rob your living room of light.
permalink Will do, thanks.
permalink Note my later edit.
Now I'm qualified and properly insured, so I need to be clear in case someone else reads this site, takes action and then sues me.
Unlikely, but you know what I mean.
permalink Right. I was going to put it against the fence
on the shared strip of land (on the part that I own, not on the neighbour's part).
permalink Is that to the left or the right of the house as you look at it?
If it's right, then no issue with light I guess. I can't see it not affecting light in the living room if it's to the left, but I'm obviously doing this from memory.
permalink Right, so it wouldn't affect the light, nor the neighbours.
It's a pointless bit of grass nobody uses.
permalink I've had a quick google to remind myself.
It's marginal, it shouldn't cause anyone loss of amenity, and you're much more likely to get permission than if it were the front garden proper.

That area of grass is referred to in the house building trade as SLOAP, Space Left Over After Planning.
permalink SLOAP sounds like a bad 60s villian organisation
Space Lunatics Organistaion Against Peace
permalink I like this.
permalink 7' fence? what you need is bamboo
green temple bamboo..
permalink Clear your browser history
. .
permalink I'm pretty sure a bit of ebay, instructables and facebook
are ok.
permalink You want to avoid the thread on c4mbodia explaining
how to influence the adoption people.
permalink Never mind

permalink I'll ask meep to accidentally flush the database
permalink Try explaining
permalink uw uw
can i be a referee (i'm a godfather to a bunch of spanners kids)
permalink not that you're a spanner
more.. a polite weirdo obsessed with weird things
permalink it's not like i'm amassing an army of spanner kids or anything
*clears history*
permalink we went to the zoo
and then had tapas.
now im old
permalink Only death
to look forward to now
permalink This is absolutely rude and you can certainly ignore me,
but are you adopting because you cannot have your own or because you want to adopt to be morally awesome?

Or both?
permalink I have no particular opinions on adoption, you understand,
I am merely interested in everything.

Actually, I do have opinions, I would not adopt, but that is for a very specific reason and not one which would apply to other people, nor would I judge their choices by that personal failing.
permalink You say this as if the latter option is in fact not morally awesome.
I believe that it is indeed morally awesome to adopt rather than spawn your own, whether it's for medical reasons or not.
If you want to have two kids, by all means have one yourself and adopt the second. The human race is beyoind any necessity to produce multiple offspring for any reason other than vanity.
I will fight for your right to have multiple kids of your own, and there's nothing wrong with that, but if you choose to adopt instead, I believe that to be truly morally awesome.
permalink I think you're doing it again
I think the implication is that adopting is morally awesome.
permalink Goddammit.
Me and my uncontrollable inferences.
permalink He was
I think it is morally awesome.

I would not do it now, for REASONS, but I think it is smashing.
permalink Then I am truly sorry,
and once again, we agree.
thread Not sure what it is about my friends
but none of their relationships seem to survive the January - February period.

Friend went to NI in the car with her boyfriend for a few days, who has then broken up with her & driven off, leaving her there....

Knowing her brothers, someone might be getting a bit of a talking to.
permalink wow she must be a right annoying cunt
to make a chap do that
permalink When that sort of thing happens I always think
"What did she do that was so bad that he did that?"

In situations of that kind I can only really think of one where it was the bloke's fault, but he is always the one who gets the kicking.

(Note, I mean his fault he left - I have seen reverse situations where she leaves him and then it is often his fault).
permalink oof
that is harsh
permalink In other news
went to see Garbage last night, who were surprisingly good live still...not too bad for four middle aged blokes and Shirley Manson, who is still rather marvellous
permalink Mmm!
Ginger tuft.
permalink Flan?
. .
permalink I thought they broke up years ago?
permalink They went on hiatus for about 7 years
but released a new album in 2012

I was quite surprised when I saw they were touring
permalink I ought to pay more attention.
permalink TWAT
on that note TOTE
permalink Well meepmeep and I have had a perfectly romantic february
night in glasgow


permalink basically
you both got a good porking?
permalink I'm still groaning gently
permalink marvelous
permalink Porkfest!
permalink i could do with that
right now.. sooo hungry..
permalink hmmm
there are lots of screaming girls outside my hotel room....

this guy is playing across the road

A pure coincidence i assume.
permalink oh fuck
kill it with fire

it's like Bieber, but worse, and Australian
permalink oh christ
is that what that was
permalink wcchhhhooooooo?
permalink be thankful
you have never been subjected to it*

*I have, but only in the gym
thread well if this is the way it's going to be
I might as well just take the ball home

come on, one of you lot must have had some lunch or be wearing pants or something
permalink Even more excitingly...
I have to go to Newcastle for an hour and a half shortly.
permalink That seems rather a long way,
for rather a short time.
permalink yup.
might be here two hours. max.
permalink had to wait for a delayed train, so that was almost exactly 3 hours
on the way back now. live vicariously through me for mega thrills.
permalink Crisps
KitKat (the chunky fudge ones are lovely)

Purple M&S Shorts

permalink I went to the Masons' Arms
for their senior citizens carvery, which they offer to me and my colleages for some reason.
It's £4.95 for the carvery, and either soup or dessert. Today: chocolate sponge and custard (all desserts they do are served with custard, without exception).
It's not great, but it's cheap.

Black "Champion" boxers

TOTW for me is: "No Church in th Wild" Jay-Z, Kanye West, Frank Ocean. 'cos I'm down with the kidz, innit.
permalink Is it because you are
really cocking old?
permalink Not me, but one of my colleagues is.
He's nearly forty, and has just bought a Porsche.
permalink Busy
Last minute fixes to a software platform for a demo tomorrow
permalink Press a button and it goes
permalink We're at the hysterical laughter stage
permalink pfft!
permalink shit's going down man
well, I've been on phonecalls all day.
permalink TOTD is actually
Oceansize - Relapse -
permalink Ocean Colour Scene?
permalink Nooooooo!
No faux mod there
permalink Spend the morning puzzeling over Titan's Legacy,
the scenery disk of Battle Isle II.
I managed to make the first 5 of probably 82 turns of the 2nd level.
permalink caterwauling ?
permalink Just drove the pup back to Uni
and thinking its such a lovely day that I should go for a long walk and end up in a pub, the new posts thingy doesn't seem to work, I cleared all my cookies - but then I am to computers what cowjam is to xmas presents
permalink try
clicking on this here link
permalink thank you
permalink cor!
Much awesomeness
permalink My tea
is a bit too hot.
permalink This will be remedied
given time.
permalink try
permalink Since I have /Britishproblems on my frontpage
I keep clicking on them expecting more content :-(
permalink they've worked out how to block foreigners
permalink Hah.
Sadly now the time for tea has passed. Until later. Also I really wanted to buy a creme egg at lunchtime but restrained myself, then my bastard colleague went to the shops and came back with two, just to annoy me*.

*not really, he didn't know.
permalink i'm on a train
Heading for your fair city, by the way*

*as all Glasgow sentences must end, by the way.
permalink I've been
fixing Stuff by using different bits of Stuff. Tomorrow I have to go to a reservoir in essex (innit) to fix more Stuff.

I'm damp with anticipation.
permalink Have the dambusters been at it
permalink I've got some letters to write.
permalink could you check
Whether it is colder and deeper than you thought?
permalink the reservoir is
to contain the damp, isn't it?
permalink let's hope so, otherwise colchester
is fucked.
permalink Meh
No big loss
permalink I doubt many
would notice
thread RIP Richard Briers

Still, at least I am thinking about Felicity Kendel now.

Anyone else remember Noah & Nellie?
permalink He had a good life.

I'm very sorry.
permalink His career seemed to go
in Ever Decreasing Circles
permalink :(
79 wasn't a bad innings though
permalink he probably had a bit
of a turn after the mirror posted pix of her in a swimming cossie yesterday.
permalink oh noes
i loved him in roobarb and custard :(
permalink That is a shame

TJ: Is Meepmeep around ? If so check your FB for suggested beering tomorrow night in Glaesga
permalink Bums
I wasn't thinking about Felicity Kendal...but I am now!
permalink although now, I'm thinking about Wendy Craig
and damn it, I thought our new home might have reinvigorated things a little, but still pretty dead round these parts
permalink I'm aliiiive!
permalink I'm not
permalink Evidently not,
as you're the only person to post in about an hour.
permalink *waves*
permalink Hey! You! Come back here!
Fancy a weekend in the Peak District in April(ish)?
I'm beginning to plan a trip up onto Kinder Scout, possibly a two day hike with a bit of bivi'ing on the moor.
Your company would be a delightful addition...
permalink Oooh... now that is a lovely thought.
Other commitments allowing, I would be delighted to join you.
permalink Well I have no specific plans,
so have a butcher's in your diary and e-mail me some dates and we'll set it up.
I'm thinking we walk from/to Edale to/from Crowden, which is either a hard day, or two fairly easy days along the first stretch of the Penine Way. If we're canny we can leave a car in one location and start from the other, or if you come by train, I'll call in a favour to get us picked up and returned.
permalink it took me a couple of goes
to realise you weren't bemoaning your lack of Wendy Craig-inspired trouser activities.
permalink You're dead
in the trouser parts ?
permalink i had to look up who they were
and you're all bonkers
permalink hey TINO
did you sort out that court case about downloading?
possibly old news to you (merkin) but maybe helpful..

hey WITCHY did you read this tinnitus lady story.. thankful for small mercies eh?