thread I would rather be anywhere but here.
I'm tired and the only work I have to do involves automating Word, which can't be fun, and my neighbour colleague is in so I can't just doss at my leisure.
permalink I have a perma-erection and I can't bang it out
because the woman that smells like garden is sitting too close
if only she'd have a 3hr lunch break..
permalink Ah... we haven't had a comedy login for ages.
I have to say, that made me LOL and has improved my morning.
permalink The joke will be on us if she has any scottish in her
filthy hands that one http://www.bbc.co.uk/n...
permalink We have an open plan office,
everyone goes to the storecupboard/bathroom to wank. I'm confused about smelling like a garden though.
permalink Ah. The Wanking Cupboard
Sounds like a distant relation to the WRS.

Some gardens smell lovely, of course.
permalink lady gardens?
permalink God, that sounds grim
I am mostly photoshopping, which is therepeutic. But I am also on the run from project managers etc.
permalink I'm wondering just how much RAM Qlikview needs to run without borking
Trying 32Gb now
permalink I'm in a previously untried cafe in Ches Vegas*, having just consumed an organic fried brekky.
It was quite good, but the lack of decent coffee is a problem.

I'm listening to the conversation between an old geezer and the 21 year old waitress. They're actually having a surprisingly free ranging and satisfying conversation.

Oh! Turns out the geezer is a vegan. Make of that what you will.

* Chesterfield
permalink spazz'd back yes the idea was for a new build.. i just find it odd
that cellars aren't more ubiquitous considering land prices

anyway the bet was a cellar would cost half again what a normal slab would cost.. wishfull thinking (forgetting any unforeseen stuff like digging up an ex king or elton johns wig (i really thought he was dead))
permalink in this article
man changes nationality to avoid Austrian National Services, joins RAF instead

Bit odd, no?
permalink 15 year olds aren't exactly known for
their logic and foresight.
permalink Someone not sticking to something they said
when they were a teenager?

*informs the Mail*
permalink I contemplated doing a fake r4 teenage diary episode
with cleggs dad, but it'll never happen
permalink work-o-bollocks stuff
one of the H&S wheezes this year at work has been "Safety learning Journals". These are workbooks that were supposed to fill out. There's a prize for the "best"

That prize has been announced as "A hamper of Health and safety goodies".

No-one in the research Technical Centre has done anything with theirs. Comments have included "it's juvenile", "it looks like something you'd do at primary school" etc.

You can guess what the reaction to the prize has been.

Head of department has asked the safety reps to collect completed ones to be put forward for the prize (this is a site wide thing). None of the safety reps have done anything with their own ones. I know, because I'm one of them. And I've spoken to the others.

This is going to be awkward...
permalink draw a CDC wearing a hard-hat
or just submit a link to "Dumb Ways to Die"
permalink nah
we're going with collective scorched earth honesty.

Doesn't really matter, the H&S person that came up with the riduclous idea has now finished her H&S qualifcation (paid for by the company) and is fucking off elsewhere (because the company were idiots and paid for it no strings attached)
permalink we had a similar thing
on what is now called "EDI" (equality, diversity & inclusion). There was much fuss made after the first end date where not one person had even bothered to respond to even mock it that the chief exec sent it out personally.
Interestingly it was anonymous (sent out in named envelopes with a numbered form) yet required you to fill in your dept name, gender, age and all that jazz. suffice to say responses were subdued.
permalink day you learned something following an incident.
Say that you later learned that the same had happened to another member of staff, but as they only recorded it in their own journal there was no opportunity for shared learning.

Get others to corroborate this in their journals.
permalink 1 - collect blank journals.
2 - place pile of journals on floor.
3 - trip over said pile.

4 - put in compensation claim. (profit)
permalink The pile of journals in a doorway is, of course, also a fire risk
and blocking a means of escape.
permalink A bit of H&S performance art
sticking it to the man!

Like it...
permalink operation "make pretty graphics out of a whole bunch of badly interepreted seismic sections"
is continuing, although nearing a close, as I am on line 11 of 12. It is actually moderately fun, but for the aspect of clearing up other fuckwitted colleagues mistakes/sloppiness...that and having other stuff to do

and I am pretty much over it at this stage
thread 14 of the 30 taken from the Arctic Sunrise have now been formally charged with
'piracy as part of an organised group'.

This does not look good. I only the US were not on strike then they could come and rescue us?
permalink Or rather
help us to rescue them.
permalink Send them a cake disguised as a hacksaw
I know someone who does custom cakes. Though I'm not entirely sure this plan is kosher.
permalink Are they pork
hacksaws?
permalink For the right price
I'm sure she'll make you a pork cake shaped like a hacksaw. Why the hell not
permalink 1 Single cake or several tiny pork hacksaw cupcakes?
permalink Do they come with
a stand?
permalink Wait a moment
are you trying to sell me snack sized pork pies?

If so then yes, I'll probably take them, thank you.
permalink Not,
or now?
permalink now
edited.
permalink pourly
permalink pourly?
permalink Yes, pourly
the way that pour people do things
permalink Righty-ho.

permalink in better news i have made the dolphin nose
i mean, it's nearly made it's just waiting in the oven until its done, i cant wait
permalink ok i think i ate too much
permalink you tedious cunt
1/10 must try harder
permalink I shall slip TOTN in here
Hawkwind - Choose Your Masques (live 1985) - http://youtu.be/ZVyIXt...
thread Hump day!
Not that sort of hump, you filthers.

How's everyone? I need about a solid week's sleep.
permalink I have man-flu
and it appears to be a northern strain
permalink me too.
I've opted to spread it as much as possible rather than keeping it to myself.
permalink Pft! It's not hump day!
It's Friday here, as I am off tomorrow until Tuesday next week.

Tomorrow I'm flying (driving) down to that Lodnon to go to the launch of my chum's book (another one I'm in the acknowledgements for - go me!).
I have no plans so far for actual Friday, but on Saturday I'm going to the Lake District for the weekend.
permalink I set off for Nottingham at half six
and arrived at half nine. It was supposed to take two hours.
permalink Should have bought some Tunes
...
permalink I think a tank may be more appropriate
For dealing with that type of congestion
permalink I had the same issue this morning.
There was some sort of human centipede/daisy chain type accident northbound at junction 24 of the M1. This is the worst possible place for an accident as it bespoils the A50, A42, M1, and to a certain degree the A52 also. The A38 was already stacked due to some sort of incident further north, so there was no effect there.

Nottingham doesn't work at all at rush hour, but is marginally better than Derby, which actually has a road named Traffic Street.

I once attempted to visit a friend in Nottingham straight after work on a Friday. It's about 17 miles and it took me 2 1/2 hours, and according to Nottingham residents this is fairly ordinary for a Friday night.
permalink I guessed something bad had happened
as I saw three fire engines
permalink Well as far as I could tell,
there were about five cars had rear-ended one another sequentially.
Nothing seemed to be on fire, no-one was flapping bigstyle, and the damage to the cars seemed fairly minor. Thus I cannot explain the 3 fire engines, 3 police cars, 2 traffic womble vehicles and the continuing multiple lane closure. However, I don't know about these things.
permalink have we all seen the fucknugget
driving with the bonnet up?
permalink That's even less safe than this
http://www.carsguide.c...
permalink yes, yes it is
am I too harsh in thinking that the guy in England should be banned for life, no arguments?
permalink anyone got recommendations
for a twitter web interface thingy that works on IE8?
permalink jesus. Browser Bondage!
....
permalink it's fucking horrible
really don't understand why we're still on it. Given that we're on Windows 7.
permalink I still think of 8 as new
/exNHS
permalink It IS new
(unless you're me)

/NHS
permalink Oi! Tabz!
Whereabouts in Hunsdon do you live?
(that is if you do in fact live in Hunsdon, and I've not gone mental)
permalink I do indeed
I am on the High Street (23 to be exact) almost opposite the Fox & Hounds
permalink Ah, I see.
There's some land being marketed for housing off Acorn Lane, hence the question.
permalink They just did a small development down there
I can't say I'm impressed . . . http://www.zoopla.co.u...
permalink Croudace, eh?
They are a bit rubbish. It does look a bit ordinary, and also hasn't sold for quite some time.
permalink no wonder
at that price and with that khazi!
permalink Welcome to
The South East . . .
permalink all new houses
have the same kitchen
permalink Ours don't!
But then I'm obliged to say that by the company "social networking policy"

Seriously though, we offer some fairly decent choices.
permalink that may have been a sweeping generalisation
but certainly anything that's been newly refitted or put on the market round here have the same cupboards and cookers.
permalink Most developers, especially if small, use Howdens kitchens,
and they generally go for the cheapest and the least likely to offend, so from that point of view you're not wrong.

Our board decided a few years ago that competing on price was a mug's game and that the best plan in this recession was to build houses that appealed to people, and were easier to sell quickly without discounting. This means that in any given area, our houses may be a few grand more than the equivalent from Barrat or Taylor Wimpey, but they are much better presented and well designed in general, and usually people see that and understand.
This seems to have worked as a plan, and we keep building and selling houses, as far as I am aware, profitably.
permalink Surely if they're new build
and someone is buying it 100% new, then don't they let the people buying the house choose important stuff like getting a kitchen they like?

/Naïve about such things
permalink Yep,
We have a variety of changes that can be made depending on the stage of completion, including removing walls.
Things like kitchens need to be chosen from a predetermined range at set price points, or I suppose we'd sell it to you without a kitchen and you can do exactly what you want.
permalink would you say a basement construction is about £200 a sqM..
and how much of a percentage set against a normal cement slab is that greater?
permalink sounds low to me
but are you talking about a totally new build, a conversion / refurb, an underpin-and-dig effort or what?
permalink Indeed.
It's impossible to put a price on like this really, and I am not the best person to ask anyway.

The old saying is correct: you never have control of the budget when you're working below ground.
permalink Anyone who has ever watched Grand Designs knows that the groundworks always go over budget
and break the programme.

It's true of everything from a wee house to a massive skyscraper.

Although I suspect that Josef Fritzl probably brought his project in quite cheaply.
permalink I don't get hump days any more
working at home on Wednesdays is working for me. I don't thing I got much done, but I did avoid being in the office with a migrane. Now to go and pick up the man from his first days work since 3 whole months off. I bet he'll be shattered.
permalink pfffummppppthhhhhh
that's what I think of it all...

Thurs morning here, and it has all started again. knackered doesn't even start to cover it.
thread Sorry to start a new thread,
but can I find out when my xbox was last online?
permalink I don't know the answer to that,
new thread or not.

Does it tell you in the live account front end?
permalink I don't want to look in case that counts as cowjam being online.
`

Edit: A search has told me that my friends can see when I was last online if I'm offline. Now all I need is for one to check.

We're looking after a friend's 14 year old for a bit. We left him at home to get on with stuff today and I'd like to show him that he's left a trail of evidence that he's been shirking.
permalink And the webcams are down again?
permalink I haven't got one in the conservatory.
permalink And here was me attempting to imply
that you could remotely spy on the teenage boy without his knowledge...
permalink not unless he leaves the house or goes into the shed.
Then the motion activated cams will kick in.
permalink do you make him wear an orange jumpsuit?
permalink I was just about to say
"don't you know when you last played it?", but that makes more sense.
permalink I can't log into live from work, so that doesn't help.
Even if I could I'm not sure I could friend you from here.
Happy to fire up the xbox and have a look when I get home if you like, although it'll have to wade through 9 months of updates.
permalink it's ok, I'd have to approve you anyway I think
I'll wait and see if bongo or mosschops answer
permalink I'm worried you left your account
open to a teen... Surely your router will have logs? if things have been connected and shifting data. You can also set up logs on your router for next time usage.
permalink It's a cunning plan.
He leaves it open to the teen as a demonstration of trust and responsibility, thus reinforcing the shame when it is later proven that the lad didn't deserve to be trusted left being responsible.

Router logs = good idea. I have half a feeling CJ is running dd-wrt, and if it isn't possible with that, it isn't worth doing.
permalink I'm not, my new router will but I haven't had need so far.
He's here to learn how to take responsibility. He acts Like he's half his age, his mum's pregnant again and can't cope with two infants, especially when one is so capable of malicious behavior.
permalink Sounds like a massive challenge,
and I wish you the very best of luck, it's a very worthy endeavour.
permalink thank you. we seem to be doing the child rearing thing backwards
Having already provided a home for someone leaving care, then someone who signed themselves out of care early, now this chap.

His behaviour is now not naughty, but he'd rather do as little as possible rather than get things done. The result of this is that I haven't been able to do anything particularly fun with him like arduino, xbox, etc because it takes him most of the day to get his pre-9am routine done.
permalink last seen 11 hours ago
playing f1 race stars
permalink ta. I'd got bored of waiting so checked my progress.
I think he'd actually not been on it.
permalink not sure what you expect him to do before 9am
but as long as you've actually demonstrated to him the cool things like circuit building and the games you have no chance of a teen
getting out of bed early for some yet to experience fun

show him take it away then say here come and get it.. over this one obstacle

also buy a gun.. he'll do anything you want if he can target practise in your back garden
permalink I've got a family filter on
and the only web enabled devices he has access to are the ps3 and Xbox.

I'll turn logging on.
permalink At the moment it is important to keep a log of every website you visit,
so that you can email it to the US government when they are back on their feet.
permalink Having researched the shutdown a little,
I'm almost 100% certain that the NSA is exempt, along with all federal law enforcement and mititary services.
permalink It was a joke.
That said, this is a joke too:

permalink we're laughing with you
don't worry
permalink snopes should redirect to
notice.usa.gov
permalink you're meant to make a note of
every time you use it
permalink Sorry?
You're not sorry at all!
*manic laughter*

No idea on the x-box thingy though. Have you tried rigging it with a marked water system like the rossers used on that car thief?

Means you could break out the black light. Although you may see things you don't want to know about with a teenager.
permalink I've already had the chat about
wanking being ok, spunking on bedding or clothing being utterly wrong. Thankfully that seems to have worked, there's been no spunk on pillowcases since the chat.
permalink Oh my!
The reality of it all!
permalink thankfully he had the grace
to pretend not to know what I was talking about, then actually change his ways.
permalink wanking
we all do it

but it's polite not to make a mess (especially in someone else's house)
permalink unless its on the
velvet curtains..
permalink what do you think that old musty smell is
in stately homes?
permalink *not saying anything about my trip to versaille*
permalink you wanker!
:-)
thread morning.
I'm in Bolton today. It took me an hour to get here yet it's less than 12 miles from home.

How are you?
permalink morning
I've got a man coming round later to survey the bathroom, we're finally trying to get it replaced. Following on from Amy's electronical disasters yesterday, who wants to bet he takes one look at the consumer box and condemns the whole house?
permalink The surveyor who did my house purchase said the fuse box
would need replacing because of its age, sent a photo to my dad & he said it'd outlast me.
permalink our surveyor got some bits checked
and a sparky has apparently looked at it, I just imagine this homeware emporium will see their chance to make an extra bundle of cash.
permalink they're obliged to tell you to replace one
If it isn't an rcd as a time is approaching when you'll have to change it If you want to sell
permalink for anyone in the sweepstake
he prodded it, flicked a switch and said "yeah, that'll be fine", so against all the odds, that part of my house isn't a deathtrap. well, according to him anyway.
permalink Speaking of surveyors
how much should I expect to pay for a Homebuyers survey?
permalink I've just looked
ours was bundled up with a load of stuff by the mortgage company, and there was something else ( I forget what) they specifically wanted cash for, but it appears to have been £500.
permalink That's about what I've been quoted
although I would've expected a mortgage company arranged home buyers to shaft you more.
permalink I think
and don't quote me on this, that the surveyors are supposed to be independent, but the mortgage people will recommend one. You should be able to get your own if you want, the mortgage people just have to approve them.
permalink The mortgage survey is already done
this is the homebuyer survey and thus nowt to do with the mortgage company :)
permalink to be honest, I can't really remember
I just gave massive cheques to people and hoped they'd do some sort of work!
permalink And maybe they did!
permalink turns out he might have
I was in the house we moved out of when it was surveyed, the bloke had a brief nose round and left. hopefully he was more thorough tham that.
permalink About £450 for a RICS Homebuyers
Source: Ex-RICS employee (me)

I used e.Surv for mine - http://www.esurv.co.uk...
permalink Cheers dude.
permalink One thing about interpreting them
The slightest defect will raise an orange warning (HB surveys use a traffic light system) - they're quite often harmless. My bathroom got one for the bath panel being loose...
permalink I would obviously run it all by the architect* as I know nothing
but thanks for the heads up.

*fiance
permalink they're obliged to tell you to replace it
if it's not an rcd.
permalink I just had to get a new pass to get into the office
my new photo makes me look like a sex offender
permalink it's amazing how cameras capture such an accurate likeness
'
permalink :(
. .
permalink why
was it 'bring your abductee to work' day?
permalink Judging the look of some people around here
I am more likely to become the abducted . . . . . .
permalink you should see my passport photo.. hawaiian shirt on a clammy london day
i look like i'm escaping thailand
only slightly better than my earlier one where i was a spitting image of ian brady
permalink I am so emo
that I do not buy L'Oréal.
permalink Cos you're worthless?
...
.
permalink You make a fine point there
permalink This is the thrust of the jest,
yes.
permalink I'm very well, thank you.
I have family in Bolton, so be careful...
permalink quicker by bike
even at a slow pace.
permalink Alright.
Just out of a meeting in Edinburgh Castle, which is a nice place to go for a meeting.

Off to Edinburgh World Heritage next, about something completely different.

Weird - I very rarely go to external meetings in this city and two come along on the same day.
permalink Can we floodlight the Crowne Plaza on charlotte square please
cheers
permalink You could.
Nothing to stop you. Please do it nicely though.

I can give you a fee proposal for the design if you like.
permalink i've done some more cross stitching this afternoon and i'm gonna make some dolphin nose in a bit
and i've a shit load of brownies left from the first batch of ones i'm making for a wedding, i can't use the first batch cos it was slightly too squishy in the middle, needed a minute or two more in the oven, that's my excuse for eating them all instead of using them for the wedding anyway, how are you
permalink It took me ages
to work out dolphin nose. Is it the wedding of someone you know?
permalink yah i know them, i'm a bridesman!
i think that mainly means i have to sit around being pretty.
permalink which i am VERY good at
obvs
permalink Apparently false eyelashes are the thing.
But if you're bringing brownies I don't think it matters how pretty you look.
permalink Spray tan!
. .
permalink you will be belle of the ball
also, what is a dolphn nose?
permalink dauphinoise
permalink ah
getcha.