thread Morning, board dwellers!
It's a very average morning in the midlands, but it turns out that an evening with 3 3/4 hours driving in it leaves one quite tired in the morning.
permalink been anywhere nice?
permalink Merseyside's a bit questionable,
but the company was passable ;-)
permalink hahahaha
permalink You're still alive then
permalink Calm down children!
The other kids don't like it when you fight.
permalink *hugs knees*
*rocks backwards and forwards on the bottom stair*
permalink morning
I'm sitting in a largely empty office, awaiting a BT man to commission the router on my shiny new fibre optic connection.
permalink I'm struggling to
stay awzzzzzz
permalink I'm about to phone through the breakfast order,
and one fo the contract staff has kindly been volunteered to go and get it.
I feel this will be substantially more enjoyable than last night's Big Tasty nervously and quickly eaten while keeping an eye on the urchins loitering in the Stockport Maccer's car park.
permalink you should try the
wythenshawe one, thats truly rough. alternatively you should said, the missus is away and i was in on my own and 15 mins drive away
permalink I was doing a 10 minute driveby on the way to Rupes, primarily to use the loo (I'm 33 you know).
I didn't realise I was going to be going so close by yours until I realised I was near where you live if you see what I mean...

EDIT: I feel I should clarify, as my syntax is slightly muddled: I stopped at Maccers to use the loo, I was not going to Rupes to use the loo. That would be insane, obviously.
permalink *sniff*
nobody loves me, even Eric fucked off and left me on my won :(


permalink However, I had no idea how close you were to the Peak District.
We should do weekend beers one of these days, somewhere halfway, like Chapel en le Frith, Whalley Bridge or something.
permalink wilmslow is the centre of the known universe
dontcha know!
but yeah sounds like a good idea for a day out, though if i am allowed out on my own to see internet wierdos is another thing. She was worried, and probably rightly so with being so close to the WRS that i might get raped and have my kidneys stolen when i went to CJ's!

mind you, that is wigan
permalink Yep, CJ was in no way a factor in that risk.
Bring Heather too. I can be reasonably presentable and sociable, and I have 20% discount at the Chatsworth Farm Shop.
I've found the latter to be catnip to the laydeeez*

* no, no I've not.
permalink sod the laydeeeeez
that makes my ears prick up!
permalink The 20% discount serves to make
the shop only 30% more expensive than other places, but they do have some good stuff.

I also get 20% off in all the Chatsworth owned cafes and restaurants, which is a much nicer deal. I regularly have breakfast at the Cavendish Hotel, and afternoon tea at the fancier of the cafes at Chatsworth is a fantastic trip out.
permalink And yes, Wilmslow is the centre of the known universe.
That's probably why we have a regional office there, where they can happily carry on building houses like it's 1986.
permalink 1986?
permalink very boring repetitive executive houses,
often with integral garages, postage stamp gardens and no communal landscaping.
The hosuing market in the north west is still focussed ont he number of bedrooms and not bothered about the size or usability of the actual accommodation. Elsewhere in the country, most councils are pushing for decent urban design, but many of them in the northwest don't care.
permalink ahhh yes
i know the type well, there are indeed lots of them about on oddly twisted roads with strange parking bits at the end often up dropped pavement type things
permalink Cambridge is currently in mental realm
61m^2 two bedroom apartment, in a block just out the back of where I am? £265,000

Took a look round the show flat (which was that one, I think)- "Bedroom 2" had oe of those small double beds only found in tiny show homes and awful B&Bs. It also had one small bedside cabinet. No wardrobes. No chest of drawer. A window that wouldn't look out of place on a prison cell.

Nearby, 79m^2 is yours for over half a million.
permalink I can't be arsed today
or indeed this week/month/year. I'm surrounded by idiots and I've got a cold.
permalink Are you me?
permalink probably
permalink I've had a cold all fucking week
it's the reason I've not been fucking sleeping.
permalink i'm getting right back into Vicks vaporub
it's mentholated.
permalink the EDL are going to fighting themselves in Cambridge tommorow
whilst UAF march past a couple of times and throw things. I think I might get out of the city.
permalink Just stay at home, they won't be outside your house
unless you've really pissed them off.

Actually when they marched in Walthamstow recently we accidentally avoided it by going to Cambridge.
permalink I was thinking of going places
permalink join in
bring your own disco ball
permalink 1 degree here
but we've had no rain for a week, and none forecast for another, they'll be declaring a state of emergency soon
permalink I was supposed to get a BT engineer between 9 and 1.
He turned up at 2.45, checked his laptop and found that the job was supposed to be "complete by 12.59" and had been allocated to him despite the fact that he didn't start his shift until 12.30.

permalink At least he turned up
. .
permalink True.
They sent out the wrong router though. Well... the right kind of router, but with someone else's config in.

Still, at least he can deal with that here.
permalink did you get any handbrake turns in?
i quite like the look of the vw XL1.. kind of like a supped up citroen cx from the back
the doors seem ungainly and probably a bit heavy for efficiency

permalink for some reason
i always equate covered wheels with the fact they are like pram wheels and likely to fall off. really dont like em
permalink I didn't,
but i did steam down the M60, M56 and M53 at a very unseemly rate of knots.

Although, come to think of it, not quite as unseemly as those I exposed poor C_I to on the way to Wigan.
permalink biblical knows?
permalink I have no idea what you're on about,
old chap.

*shuffles feet*
permalink some of those were pretty awesome going
unseemly, but satisfying.
permalink friddly arvo
struggling to keep going
thread Food-packaging cunts.
No horse involved, but I have some Prosciutto Crudo here. Pack says "matured for 20 months to develop a sweet flavour and melting texture".

It also says "Once opened, consume within 2 days. Do not exceed use by date."

So it can mature for 20 months, but the second I buy it and put it in my fridge, it starts going off?

Oh please. You supermarket cunts. You don't even make sense, you bunch of fucks.

I really must make the time to use proper shops more, but will they be better on this sort of stuff?
permalink they missed off
'matured for 20 months IN THE OPEN AIR'

but hey, nookleer waste beckons, and forget your rights.
permalink rights?
do we still have any of them?
permalink well, I write
with my lefts, so no.
permalink I wonder what this tastes like?

permalink Well, we ate donkey in China
It was actually very nice...not entirely unlike horse, in fact

But French Donkey Sausage is a great name for a funk metal band
permalink cracking Peel
session, etc.
permalink actually, scrub that
it sounds more like a Butthole Surfers EP
permalink I assume Zebra
would be similar as well

permalink I have had zebra
it is much like horse.
thread Oh bugger!
Some time ago I replaced the innards of the toilet cistern with modern push-button workings. This gubbins has its own overflow which goes down the pan, rather than the old overflow which goes into the kitchen.

The old overflow is lower than the new, that's why the kitchen flooded instead of the water trickling down the pan.

In order to prevent this happening again we put a condom over the old overflow. I say "we", I had the idea and happened upon an out-of-date condom and MrsJam did the hard work. Because I'm shit at DIY.

Anyway, a few minutes ago I flushed the loo and came back downstairs. I was busy banning idiots in askreddit when I heard a curiously wet noise emanating from upstairs. The floaty bit had jammed and the cistern was still filling, only the overflow was too close to the top so water was spilling over onto the floor.

Thankfully water hasn't appeared to go anywhere other than the floor and it wasn't too much. A few towels mopped it up and we've turned the cistern's water feed off.
permalink oh cowjam
at work we have contactless loo flushers.

WHich are rubbish. It's easy to get them to do the "half flush". This doesn't move shit. Literally. The "full flush" seems to be something achievable only by Jedi mind tricks.
permalink I recently dropped a brown fish
that poked above the water line and waved. It didn't flush.

I had a rather nervous five minutes waiting for the flush to work again before it decided to move on.
permalink I shat out what must have been the full length of my innards a while ago...
It took 5 flushes and a good thrashing of the bog brush to restore order to the work's loo.

Mind you the plumbing for the loo at work is weird, the water level sits very high, and when flushed, parades the bowl's contents around before the whole lot gets sucked down, a truly bizarre arrangement.
permalink A friend of mine once worked in an architect's office where they were in two buildings...
across the road from each other.

In his office, someone used to drop an enormous megaton turd in the gents every day and not flush it. Really massive, every time. They couldn't figure out who as the timing wasn't regular, everyone there denied it, and people were popping back and forth between the two buildings all the time.

Eventually, they sussed who they thought the culprit was... a guy from the other building. They watched his comings and goings and checked. Sure enough... looked as though they'd caught the phantom pipelayer.

However, it would seem that he realised that the game was up. The day after they identified him, he visited legitimately as usual, popped to the bog on the way out, made a swift exit...

One of the guys went to check, and found not only that the guy had left an especially gigantic pile of turd in their bog, but that he'd stuck a little white paper flag on a cocktail stick in it.

permalink hehehehehehe!

*attacks with purposefully long screwdriver*
permalink screwdriver?
surely something you don't need again would be best.

A stick. Or a junior colleague.
permalink last time Flan was
at Witchy Acres he questioned the 24" screwdriver that laid on top of the bog...

I still have it :)
permalink loses style points
for not having had a wank over the top
permalink Reminds me of that picture from Glastonbury...
Mountain of shit in a portaloo with a small cake on top.
permalink Urinal cake?
permalink it turns out that bogs and plumbing are a nightmare
permalink On next week's episode
of Cowjam's Plumbing Woes...

oops! And using an out of date condom? Presumably if it ain't up to the job of stopping your little swimmers, not sure it's much use as a plumbing prophylactic
Is my basic response at the moment.

I think I've hit that perfect moment of ineptitude of nothing is going right so just shout and do in my absense.
permalink this, unfortunately
is why plumbers are able to charge lots of money for their services

It all looks rather easy, but unfortunately really isn't. Or at least is somewhat expensive, when it goes wrong
permalink This is why I don't do water
Electrics are easy, and I'm an acceptable carpenter & bricklayer, but water has a habit of biting you in the arse.
permalink I'd really like to start smoking again about now.
Which is fucking ridiculous.
permalink you picked a bad day
to quit meth
permalink *falls off ceiling*
thread Morninall
permalink ayyye
permalink Evening
But otherwise, yes
permalink Good morning!
permalink morning
I completely forgot I've got a phone interview today, lucky it's only on the phone and I don't have to go anywhere...
permalink so the only question is
Pants or no pants?
permalink I'll probably wander about when on the phone
so in case there's anyone outside, I'll keep the kecks on.
permalink last time I had a phone interview my hand was numb at the end*
..... I was in a public park as well.

* from holding the phone.
permalink Haha!
Nicely worded.
permalink an hour on the phone is painful
my RSI is giving me gyp now, might have to knock off for the day.
permalink knock one off ?
Didn't you do that while having the interview ?
permalink "so how are you at multitasking?"
"you'll never guess what else I'm doing at the moment..."
permalink "Oh god... not another one."
permalink A friend works for the NHS researching the relationship
between mental illness & drug use. One of the grad students she uses for phone interviews is a Czech woman with a remarkably sexy phone voice, she gets that quite often.

My friend is from Bradford, she doesn't...
permalink *spanks whippet*
permalink *flashbacks to sexy czech nurse doing my MRI scan*
and hoping this wasn't a 'you've been framed' thing where they were actually checking my brain waves
permalink .....
actually checking my brain for waves

permalink *blink* *blink*



Woke up at 6am with my heart racing, what's that all about then?
permalink dreaming of me again
permalink is a racing heart a normal symptom
of the rohypnol wearing off?
permalink Only if you're legless in South Africa
permalink Afternoon
been up working since 5, think I shall treat myself to a nice lunch, do the crossword and sleep all afternoon till the pub opens
permalink Hurrah for Prince Phillip cracking un PC jokes
permalink office ARF!
permalink heh
very good.

I watched seconds of that last night, made me yearn for Mick Fleetwood.
permalink thankfully my
eyes weren't assaulted by that backslapping shitfest of an excuse for an 'awards' show.
permalink this is also arfworthy:
permalink top
drawer. I was fleeing the lounge (I'd just popped down to get foods)as fucking bastard arsehole Mumford and Sons launched into their godawful shite.
permalink I don't have any problem with Mumford and Sons
there. I've said it.
permalink *speechless*
. .
permalink largely harmless, if a little generic
there's a lot worse about.
permalink True
and a lot better

The new Richard Thompson album is brilliant
permalink of course there is, but for middle of the road pop I'd rather have them
than one direction or Jessie J.
permalink I just went and listened to some M&S
They're ok, I recking they're one of those bands that it's cool to hate, but actually are alright.
permalink They give the impression
they are trying too hard, they're no Bellowhead are they
permalink I am happy that they are doing well,
because the average quality of other stuff that does well is so low, the fact that M&S do OK is at least some sort of sign that not everyone is dead inside.

See also: Amy MacDonald; and (dare I say it) Bruno Mars.
permalink Profanityswan doesn't like them:
permalink to be fair
there are an awful lot of CDs in my rack that barely stand the test of time, even though they were the best thing ever then. Remember 'The Bees' and 'The Editors'?
permalink I used to work with Richard Thompson's
UK merchandising manager, and once stayed in his house while he was in the US.
He lives on Platt's Lane in Hampstead and owned a ten year old Previa, fact fans. Well he did 10 years ago.

I recently heard him do a live cover of something modern and mainstream, and loved it, but can't remember what it was.
permalink Oops I Did It Again?
permalink That's the kitty.
It was on the podcast.
permalink I don't have any problem with Mumford and Sons either
but then I'm not aware of ever having heard any of their stuff
permalink We don't really treat you
as an arbiter of good taste though :)
permalink He's more of an abattoir
of good taste ;)
permalink Morning!
I've just got the e-mail I've been waiting for.
It turns out that Volkswagen have actually managed to manufacture a little car, and it'll be delivered to me late next week.
I'm going to give the Audi a fair send off with a late night thrash from the JoS cottage to merseyside and back this evening.
permalink I hope there will be handbrake turns
And doughnuts in a car park.
permalink Doughnuts?
In that 140bhp Audi?
I suspect not.
I may see if I can arrive at my destination in a proper four wheel drift though, Gene Hunt style.
permalink I, for one, would appreciate this.
Doughnuts might be pushing it, but a wee handbrake turn or two should surely be employed.

No point in giving it back without the tyres being within a few miles of illegal...
permalink Well obviously they're already well on their way.
In fact Kwik Fit refused to balance the wheels recently because the tyres all need replacing soon.

I hesitate to say it, but I've never mastered or even really experimented with the handbrake turn.
permalink Here's your chance!
All you need is a nice empty gravel car park on the way home...
permalink definetly do it jos
not sure how lumbering your car is but doing them in a mini is probably the best fun a teenager could ever have*

*in the front seats
permalink whilst I'm glad my body wakes me up
before I fully stop breathing, the lack of sleep this has produced isn't fun
permalink I'm supposed to be writing my Personal Development section
of my target setting. I CAN'T THINK
permalink think yourself lucky
i'm being packed off on an ITIL, a Prince 2, C# & MS DYnamics courses
permalink I asked for a prince2 ages ago but they haven't sent me on one.
permalink from what i understand
it is more tedious than particiapting and then documenting (in triplicate) a "discussion" with manley*

* bless his bearded socks
permalink Aye, but it'd be useful to have
permalink I am PRINCE2 qualified
cock all use to man or beast.
permalink lots of employers
who dont know better like you to have it though
permalink It took me three runs to understand that.
You can just lie - I have not got my paperwork anywhere.
permalink You are very short,
wear a lot of purple, and changed your name to a symbol?
permalink Yes.
Also, your mum wants me.
permalink Learn Cantonese.
Build a model of Dog the Bounty Hunter out of ferrets.
Enlarge your penis by 2 inches in just 10 weeks.
permalink I have put all of these in*
as my boss will be approving the goals whilst he's on paternity leave it'll be a good test of how sleep deprived he is.

*this is a lie. I missed out the Cantonese one**

**also a lie.
permalink I want a job where people don't pester me with computer problems all day long.
permalink Just
turn them off and turn them back on again.
permalink then do the
computers too.
permalink Can't I just turn them off permanently?
permalink anyone know about damp rising or otherwise?
my friend has mould/spoury things growing on a wall (around a fireplace if that makes any difference)
that from the outside shows evidence of attempted damp proofing (holes bored.. only some of which are filled)

the landlord has finally sent a guy round but he has po-poo'ed rising damp as from the inside the skirting boards are dry
(the damp patch rises 3ft up the walls)
anyway his plan is to fill any holes and paint the outside with anti-damp stuff.. does that sound legit?
permalink If he doesn't have a damp course then he'll need air holes.
He needs to open all his windows for an hour a day.
permalink she has them open pretty much all the time
it's a pretty shaky/drafty old building i doubt airholes are a problem
permalink Once the "fix" has been applied,
open all the windows, and turn the heating up to the max for a day or two. That's the most effective way to clear dampness I'm aware of, besides a dehimidifier. However all this is pointless unless the problem is fixed.
Airholes and cross ventillation really only help to solve condesation related dampness anyway, they'll just alleviate the problem you've described.
permalink yeah i'm now reading rising damp is a myth
she wants a dehumidifier but wants the landlord to pay for it (and the electricity) but he's being a cunt about that

painting the outside does seem some what after the horse has bolted kind of thing like you say especially if there is nowhere for the water to go.. i thought they'd just stick a membrane inbetween the foundations and the wall
permalink Introducing a damp-proof course would work,
but it's very hard to get one into an existing wall.
It's like insulating an existing uninsulated cavity wall, you can do it, but you've really no idea how well you've done when you've finished.

I seem to recall we were told at college that there's no such thing as rising damp, just damp. If the bottom of a wall is sat in water, the wall will begin to become damp from the bottom up, if the top is constantly getting wet, it wilkl get dampo from the top. If it's constantly battered by driven rain, it will get damp from the outside in.
Most conventionally constructed walls are not not waterproof, they work in the same way as a wollen overcoat - the assumption is that it will stop raining before it gets soaked through. The original idea of the cavity wall to allow any moisture that makes it through the brickwork to run down the cavity to the ground, so the inner leaf stays dry. And better thermal properties of course.
permalink well cheers.. i passed on all your advice
i think she was just sick of having her head patted and being treated like some idiot blonde
permalink Painting the outside is nonsense I think,
because the wall is damp, and painting it externally is going to keep the damp in, rather than doing any good.
A more sensible bodge job would be to strip the plaster off internally, seal the wall somehow, and then replaster over it.
It isn't necessarily "rising" damp, but I'd have thought actually fixing it is going to be tricky, but that's the landlord's problem. From the tenant's point of view the best and cheapest solution would probably be to batten the wall out and line it with foil backed plasterboard, but even this is nonsense unless you allow the moisture in the void to drain away somewhere.

At my place, the landlord took off the plaster, and ground away a good inch or so of the stone behind, sprayed it all with waterproof concrete and re-lime-plastered over that. It's worked a treat (although I don't know exactly how bad it was before).
permalink your landlord is not exactly typical though, remember...
permalink it's worth pointing out that the Duke didn't do the work personally.
He has trustees who have a man who employs a woman who arranges for a reputable tradesman to do that sort of stuff for him.
permalink the moisture in the void?
is this a new branch of horror erotica?
permalink +1
permalink moisture in the void
Difficult second album from Horror Erotica.

Peel session, etc.
permalink Sounds rather

permalink a sequel to
Enter the Void
permalink Well. I did a cracking bit of spending-other-people's-money today
We're moving the Edinburgh office next week and need a few bits and bobs. So today I ordered a 1.5kw UPS, a slidey-drawer KVM unit, a mid-spec Xeon workstation,a 55" Sony Bravia LED tv and a Unicol trolley to hang it on, plus sundry cables and rack hardware.
permalink and bloody hell, the big telly just arrived.
permalink What the fuck is wrong with ebay?
Every now and it fails to let me list something because I must accept paypal as a payment method. I only want paypal as a payment method and there seems to be no check box to say "oh yes, this fucking paypal address I've put in is actually the fucking paypal address I fucking want to use".

permalink it's yet another site that getting worse and worse
permalink should I feel bad
that I've never used ebay?*

*or the local kiwi version, TradeMe
permalink nah
you can get odd bits on it, but I'd not worry too much
permalink I ordered Beatles Rock Band for the xbox from
and they sent me Red Dead Zombies instead. That was about two years ago.

I just sold it on ebay for twice what I paid for it.
4. Profit!
thread Tabz?

Very sad...

in other news, much better by England in the cricket last night. Joe Root is a very promising young player, but by fuck he only looks about 11 years old. Does he have permission from his mum to be touring?

AQ: anything exciting planned for your Thursday? Me, work, followed by a brief parental visitation
permalink Arse
Good show

No, trip to London cancelled, leaves me at a loss.
permalink You are all a bloody sleep
aren't thee?
permalink Not quite, no
but it is bloody hot in the office, so not far off sleeping
permalink Fair
permalink I'm going to put up two bird boxes
and clean my bike properly. assuming I've still got nothing resembling work to do.
permalink Elder likkleruff's birthday...
5 years old tomorrow, where the bloody hell has that gone!
permalink Down the
permalink Only after a little voice has shouted
"Daddy I've finished"
permalink Quite the opposite,
I think I'd have gone further panward without the Rufflets and Mrs Ruff...
permalink Sad news
he had been a massive alcoholic and heroin addict for a long time though so it isn't unexpected

TOTN - Song For Insane Times -
permalink so on my way home yesterday
as I got off the train, as per usual there was a twat stood blocking the way (because, you know, you can get on the train faster if you stop people getting off.

For once though they were advertising quite how much of a twat they were being by wearing "shutter" type glasses.
permalink I absolutely alway
Walk straight into those people.
permalink the sheer twattishness of his atire
(he also had an exceptionally twattish facial piercing) took me aback momentarily causing me to pause. Usually I do just walk into them. Which is even more effective when you have a bike.
permalink Yes.
I have a bike.
permalink I was with a colleague on the Tube after a few drinks
when someone did that to us. Without thinking, I picked him up and walked away from the train with him, then plonked him down by the platform wall. My colleague didn't stop giggling all the way home.
permalink I have done this,
But I must admit that they have to be smaller than me

permalink Thursday? Cancel dentist because of an 'important' meeting at work.
'Important' meeting will either be entirely me making decisions or cancelled as at least two of the other key players won't be there.

Post a load of games I sold on ebay, including selling one for twice what I paid for it.