thread Who wants a smack in the chops?
Come on you f******s, will no-one fight me?
permalink Alright then, OUTSIIIIIIDE.
permalink Calm down mate, I was only pissing about.
permalink Yuz a mouthy little twat
permalink I have a heart condition.
permalink you go outside and
start without us
permalink *likes*
permalink I did think the subtly put phrase had flown over the hive head :)
permalink excellent stuff,
keep it coming!
permalink Looks like
he peaked too soon
permalink don't encourage him
oh, its you ;)
permalink was that really your first flying lesson?
i'm amazed you got to takeoff .. looks amzing
permalink I've seen documentaries
about northern Oz. Pleased I'm not there.
thread Things to love about well funded startups
#26 - Wine-tasting Fridays

Recession? What recession?

Edit - someone's lost the company corkscrew. We've sent the BA out for a replacement.

Edit the second: No corkscrews, so we got a screw top replacement
permalink got a job
permalink Looking for someone
to fiddle with databases?

I make tea as well

Also: Bob Godfrey has died -
permalink I met him a few times
in the 70s when I was at Richard Williams, really nice bloke
permalink Briers and now Godfrey
it's the curse of Roobarb & Custard
permalink Nothing to do with the curse of Tabz?
permalink Where are you now?
permalink I've visualised the entire British train network
I've put up a youtube clip, screenshots and downloads

It was a bit more than I was planning to do, but one thing led to another. Interested to see what anyone makes of it.
permalink not tried the programme
but watching the video, I was a little confused until I realised that buses and ferries are included in the rail timetable in some parts of the country
permalink Yes
That confused me too. Also the fact that a) it includes Ireland and b) they include one Dutch station and c) they didn't give geographic locations for any stations west or north of a certain point.
permalink there's tickets from stations on the Greater Anglia network
to "any dutch station", so that one dutch station will be the point used for timetable journey planner purposes.
permalink There's also some random shit in there
Like Daventry bus station (actually quite busy)
permalink especially considering Daventry doesn't have a bus station
permalink are the blue dots trains?
there seems to be loads on sunday but not monday
permalink Yes they are
It's one of two things:
1) I got wrong which day of the week is which; or
2) It hadn't loaded all the data yet. It can take up to 45 mins to process all 290,000 trains in the database. I think I made the video using only the first 10,000 trains in the database.
thread Morning, board dwellers!
It's a very average morning in the midlands, but it turns out that an evening with 3 3/4 hours driving in it leaves one quite tired in the morning.
permalink been anywhere nice?
permalink Merseyside's a bit questionable,
but the company was passable ;-)
permalink hahahaha
permalink You're still alive then
permalink Calm down children!
The other kids don't like it when you fight.
permalink *hugs knees*
*rocks backwards and forwards on the bottom stair*
permalink morning
I'm sitting in a largely empty office, awaiting a BT man to commission the router on my shiny new fibre optic connection.
permalink I'm struggling to
stay awzzzzzz
permalink I'm about to phone through the breakfast order,
and one fo the contract staff has kindly been volunteered to go and get it.
I feel this will be substantially more enjoyable than last night's Big Tasty nervously and quickly eaten while keeping an eye on the urchins loitering in the Stockport Maccer's car park.
permalink you should try the
wythenshawe one, thats truly rough. alternatively you should said, the missus is away and i was in on my own and 15 mins drive away
permalink I was doing a 10 minute driveby on the way to Rupes, primarily to use the loo (I'm 33 you know).
I didn't realise I was going to be going so close by yours until I realised I was near where you live if you see what I mean...

EDIT: I feel I should clarify, as my syntax is slightly muddled: I stopped at Maccers to use the loo, I was not going to Rupes to use the loo. That would be insane, obviously.
permalink *sniff*
nobody loves me, even Eric fucked off and left me on my won :(


permalink However, I had no idea how close you were to the Peak District.
We should do weekend beers one of these days, somewhere halfway, like Chapel en le Frith, Whalley Bridge or something.
permalink wilmslow is the centre of the known universe
dontcha know!
but yeah sounds like a good idea for a day out, though if i am allowed out on my own to see internet wierdos is another thing. She was worried, and probably rightly so with being so close to the WRS that i might get raped and have my kidneys stolen when i went to CJ's!

mind you, that is wigan
permalink Yep, CJ was in no way a factor in that risk.
Bring Heather too. I can be reasonably presentable and sociable, and I have 20% discount at the Chatsworth Farm Shop.
I've found the latter to be catnip to the laydeeez*

* no, no I've not.
permalink sod the laydeeeeez
that makes my ears prick up!
permalink The 20% discount serves to make
the shop only 30% more expensive than other places, but they do have some good stuff.

I also get 20% off in all the Chatsworth owned cafes and restaurants, which is a much nicer deal. I regularly have breakfast at the Cavendish Hotel, and afternoon tea at the fancier of the cafes at Chatsworth is a fantastic trip out.
permalink And yes, Wilmslow is the centre of the known universe.
That's probably why we have a regional office there, where they can happily carry on building houses like it's 1986.
permalink 1986?
permalink very boring repetitive executive houses,
often with integral garages, postage stamp gardens and no communal landscaping.
The hosuing market in the north west is still focussed ont he number of bedrooms and not bothered about the size or usability of the actual accommodation. Elsewhere in the country, most councils are pushing for decent urban design, but many of them in the northwest don't care.
permalink ahhh yes
i know the type well, there are indeed lots of them about on oddly twisted roads with strange parking bits at the end often up dropped pavement type things
permalink Cambridge is currently in mental realm
61m^2 two bedroom apartment, in a block just out the back of where I am? £265,000

Took a look round the show flat (which was that one, I think)- "Bedroom 2" had oe of those small double beds only found in tiny show homes and awful B&Bs. It also had one small bedside cabinet. No wardrobes. No chest of drawer. A window that wouldn't look out of place on a prison cell.

Nearby, 79m^2 is yours for over half a million.
permalink I can't be arsed today
or indeed this week/month/year. I'm surrounded by idiots and I've got a cold.
permalink Are you me?
permalink probably
permalink I've had a cold all fucking week
it's the reason I've not been fucking sleeping.
permalink i'm getting right back into Vicks vaporub
it's mentholated.
permalink the EDL are going to fighting themselves in Cambridge tommorow
whilst UAF march past a couple of times and throw things. I think I might get out of the city.
permalink Just stay at home, they won't be outside your house
unless you've really pissed them off.

Actually when they marched in Walthamstow recently we accidentally avoided it by going to Cambridge.
permalink I was thinking of going places
permalink join in
bring your own disco ball
permalink 1 degree here
but we've had no rain for a week, and none forecast for another, they'll be declaring a state of emergency soon
permalink I was supposed to get a BT engineer between 9 and 1.
He turned up at 2.45, checked his laptop and found that the job was supposed to be "complete by 12.59" and had been allocated to him despite the fact that he didn't start his shift until 12.30.

permalink At least he turned up
. .
permalink True.
They sent out the wrong router though. Well... the right kind of router, but with someone else's config in.

Still, at least he can deal with that here.
permalink did you get any handbrake turns in?
i quite like the look of the vw XL1.. kind of like a supped up citroen cx from the back
the doors seem ungainly and probably a bit heavy for efficiency

permalink for some reason
i always equate covered wheels with the fact they are like pram wheels and likely to fall off. really dont like em
permalink I didn't,
but i did steam down the M60, M56 and M53 at a very unseemly rate of knots.

Although, come to think of it, not quite as unseemly as those I exposed poor C_I to on the way to Wigan.
permalink biblical knows?
permalink I have no idea what you're on about,
old chap.

*shuffles feet*
permalink some of those were pretty awesome going
unseemly, but satisfying.
permalink friddly arvo
struggling to keep going
thread Food-packaging cunts.
No horse involved, but I have some Prosciutto Crudo here. Pack says "matured for 20 months to develop a sweet flavour and melting texture".

It also says "Once opened, consume within 2 days. Do not exceed use by date."

So it can mature for 20 months, but the second I buy it and put it in my fridge, it starts going off?

Oh please. You supermarket cunts. You don't even make sense, you bunch of fucks.

I really must make the time to use proper shops more, but will they be better on this sort of stuff?
permalink they missed off
'matured for 20 months IN THE OPEN AIR'

but hey, nookleer waste beckons, and forget your rights.
permalink rights?
do we still have any of them?
permalink well, I write
with my lefts, so no.
permalink I wonder what this tastes like?

permalink Well, we ate donkey in China
It was actually very nice...not entirely unlike horse, in fact

But French Donkey Sausage is a great name for a funk metal band
permalink cracking Peel
session, etc.
permalink actually, scrub that
it sounds more like a Butthole Surfers EP
permalink I assume Zebra
would be similar as well

permalink I have had zebra
it is much like horse.
thread Oh bugger!
Some time ago I replaced the innards of the toilet cistern with modern push-button workings. This gubbins has its own overflow which goes down the pan, rather than the old overflow which goes into the kitchen.

The old overflow is lower than the new, that's why the kitchen flooded instead of the water trickling down the pan.

In order to prevent this happening again we put a condom over the old overflow. I say "we", I had the idea and happened upon an out-of-date condom and MrsJam did the hard work. Because I'm shit at DIY.

Anyway, a few minutes ago I flushed the loo and came back downstairs. I was busy banning idiots in askreddit when I heard a curiously wet noise emanating from upstairs. The floaty bit had jammed and the cistern was still filling, only the overflow was too close to the top so water was spilling over onto the floor.

Thankfully water hasn't appeared to go anywhere other than the floor and it wasn't too much. A few towels mopped it up and we've turned the cistern's water feed off.
permalink oh cowjam
at work we have contactless loo flushers.

WHich are rubbish. It's easy to get them to do the "half flush". This doesn't move shit. Literally. The "full flush" seems to be something achievable only by Jedi mind tricks.
permalink I recently dropped a brown fish
that poked above the water line and waved. It didn't flush.

I had a rather nervous five minutes waiting for the flush to work again before it decided to move on.
permalink I shat out what must have been the full length of my innards a while ago...
It took 5 flushes and a good thrashing of the bog brush to restore order to the work's loo.

Mind you the plumbing for the loo at work is weird, the water level sits very high, and when flushed, parades the bowl's contents around before the whole lot gets sucked down, a truly bizarre arrangement.
permalink A friend of mine once worked in an architect's office where they were in two buildings...
across the road from each other.

In his office, someone used to drop an enormous megaton turd in the gents every day and not flush it. Really massive, every time. They couldn't figure out who as the timing wasn't regular, everyone there denied it, and people were popping back and forth between the two buildings all the time.

Eventually, they sussed who they thought the culprit was... a guy from the other building. They watched his comings and goings and checked. Sure enough... looked as though they'd caught the phantom pipelayer.

However, it would seem that he realised that the game was up. The day after they identified him, he visited legitimately as usual, popped to the bog on the way out, made a swift exit...

One of the guys went to check, and found not only that the guy had left an especially gigantic pile of turd in their bog, but that he'd stuck a little white paper flag on a cocktail stick in it.

permalink hehehehehehe!

*attacks with purposefully long screwdriver*
permalink screwdriver?
surely something you don't need again would be best.

A stick. Or a junior colleague.
permalink last time Flan was
at Witchy Acres he questioned the 24" screwdriver that laid on top of the bog...

I still have it :)
permalink loses style points
for not having had a wank over the top
permalink Reminds me of that picture from Glastonbury...
Mountain of shit in a portaloo with a small cake on top.
permalink Urinal cake?
permalink it turns out that bogs and plumbing are a nightmare
permalink On next week's episode
of Cowjam's Plumbing Woes...

oops! And using an out of date condom? Presumably if it ain't up to the job of stopping your little swimmers, not sure it's much use as a plumbing prophylactic
Is my basic response at the moment.

I think I've hit that perfect moment of ineptitude of nothing is going right so just shout and do in my absense.
permalink this, unfortunately
is why plumbers are able to charge lots of money for their services

It all looks rather easy, but unfortunately really isn't. Or at least is somewhat expensive, when it goes wrong
permalink This is why I don't do water
Electrics are easy, and I'm an acceptable carpenter & bricklayer, but water has a habit of biting you in the arse.
permalink I'd really like to start smoking again about now.
Which is fucking ridiculous.
permalink you picked a bad day
to quit meth
permalink *falls off ceiling*